Top 10: Conversation Etiquette Mistakes
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photo: *clairity*
We’re all capable of the occasional social blunder. Of course, some of us seem more prone to it than others, but even the savviest people aren’t impervious to such gaffes. And no scenario is richer with these potential faux pas than the everyday conversation, in which you can say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing, and occasionally spit on others when trying to pronounce nouns with German etymology.
No worries. We’ve all had our moments with conversation etiquette mistakes.
But just because these conversation etiquette mistakes happen across the board doesn’t mean they can’t be avoided. All it takes is good judgment, a little maturity and a look at the most common conversation mistakes.
No.10 – Changing the topic to suit your own interests
Everyone has their own conversation topics of choice — work, office gossip or early 20th century smelting techniques. There’s nothing wrong with having these topical preferences, just don’t force them onto others. Let the conversation progress naturally; contribute where relevant and on-topic. We know you’re dying to participate, but don’t try to make some forced transition from American politics to your taxidermy collection. We’re not interested.
No.9 – Checking your phone
Technology has become a distraction for many and, of course, the phone is the worst offender. It’s an extension of you; it’s your life; you couldn’t live without it. We know. But be aware of this conversation etiquette mistake. No matter how important the text, the e-mail or the brick breaker score may be, checking your phone during a conversation is one of the most insulting gestures. In some countries, the “phone check” is punishable by death. And although in Western culture it may only be looked at as a conversational faux pas, it’s still an ill-advised move.
No.8 – Not knowing your audience
Know your audience. You can’t hide behind “I am who I am, no matter who I’m talking to.” Certain people require a certain type of conversation. Your boss sees the PG version, your friends see the R version and, if you’re lucky, you have the occasional X-rated with the spouse. But no matter what, you should always be tailoring the act for the audience. Just because the one about the Jehovah’s Witness and the rabbi gets a good laugh with your pals doesn’t mean you’ll get the same reaction at your aunt’s wake.
No.7 – One-upmanship
It’s not only a conversation etiquette mistake, it’s an alienating trait to exercise. Even if you feel the urge to vocalize your greatness in comparison to others, do your best to suppress this competitive edge. Conversation is not a competition. You don’t have to one-up the other person’s story, their good news, their time to shine in the conversation spotlight. You’ll have yours — don’t worry.
No.6 – Talking from your seat
Time and time again you’ll be at a restaurant, and that friendly acquaintance will come by for the standard greeting. Often, like a lethargic royalty on his or her thrown, you’ll simply remain seated while the servant-like acquaintance asks about the family. It’s awkward, it’s rude and it can be easily avoided. Just get up. Stand from your seat, shake a hand, pat the back, and ask where little Jenny is applying to college. God, these kids grow up fast. But seriously, stand up.
No.5 – Cursing
Who doesn’t love a four-letter word? We all do. But conversations aren’t meant to sound like an Andrew Dice Clay set at the Improv. The occasional use of profanity is certainly acceptable in the right situation. You may want to enhance a story, bring back the audience or give an accurate description of the guy at the DMV — go ahead, but be aware of this conversation etiquette mistake. Being too heavy with swearing is always a mistake when it comes to conversation. Get a thesaurus; find alternate expletives.
No.4 – Looking over their shoulder
Nothing is more disrespectful than your eyes drifting off over the shoulder of your speaking companion, as if looking for a better option. Even if Jeffrey Dahmer is approaching with a machete and a lobster bib, the eyes should remain focused. We know it’s tough to stay engaged throughout the whole conversation. Maybe you don’t have much of an interest in your coworker’s medical worries and the effects of lupus. But hang in there and show some respect.
No.3 – Not introducing the participants
It’s a pretty tasteless move to let your companion sit idle in a conversation without the correct introduction. Although it’s many times remedied with an “Oh, I’m sorry, this is…” the repeated offense is inexcusable. If it’s a friend who doesn’t get the introduction it’s extremely unfortunate. And if it’s a boyfriend or girlfriend, nothing says “This won’t last more than six months” than letting him or her stand silent, awkwardly smiling.
No.2 – Monopolizing the conversation
Contrary to popular belief, it’s not enjoyable to hear one person rant through an entire one-sided conversation. You have to pass the mike — even if you have zero respect for what might be heard on the other side. Don’t monopolize the conversation — it’s one of the most common conversation etiquette mistakes. It’s a painful practice for all involved. At least look to settle for a duopoly.
No.1 – Interrupting
It’s the No. 1 conversation etiquette mistake, committed by everybody at one time or another. It’s unbearable for the one getting cut off and it shows the interrupter truly has no interest in hearing what the other party has to say. The easiest way to avoid it is simple: just listen. Many substitute the listening portion of a conversation with the “what should I say next?” portion. Once that thought is formulated, it blasts right out. Listen. Imagine the person talking has a 10% chance at producing a fairly cohesive point. Now imagine how disappointed you’ll be if you miss it. Protect yourself, let them finish, then start pontificating.
Top 10: Conversation Etiquette Mistakes was provided by AskMen.com.
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15 Comments so far
leave a commentOne they forgot that is my most hated-don’t look at people’s lips/mouth while someone is speaking to you. It’s very rude and irritating. If you are hard-of-hearing it is of course acceptable but for crying out loud people! Look at their eyes!
It’s also a common indication that someone is flirting/sexually interested; make sure you know the difference…
FYI
My generation (I’m 23) and younger don’t give a shit about the phone checking rule. We all do it to each other and nobody cares. Also, we don’t give a shit about saying shit either. The idea that humans are ‘forbidden’ to make a certain sounds with their vocal chords is absurd, regardless of what the meaning behind it is. Unless the insult is direct (i.e. “fuck you and everyone in your family”) then who really…gives a shit?
I’m 30 and have a friend who checks his Blackberry every minute and its really annoying. I’m 30 and have a Android phone and it’s a constant mental reminder to keep it in my pocket. By the way, it would behoove you to take a gander at rule #5.
That’s an absolutely ridiculous over-generalization. I’m also 23 and I find people who check their phones and swear incessantly very irritating. The exception, of course, is with your closest of friends, but I don’t believe these rules apply to everyone’s closest friends. These guidelines are for the casual friends-acquaintances-complete strangers; perhaps your world revolves around cell-phones and vulgarity, but I know plenty of people from “our generation” who, like me, detest cell-phone checking and excessive swearing.
Also, vulgarity has nothing to do with the sounds – it has everything to do with being sensitive to the dispositions of others. Some people don’t like swearing and it simply isn’t appropriate in many situations – you’re not forbidden, just beware social ostracization and looking like (forgive my language) an ASS.
Guys, he’s 23 years old! He’s definitely eligible to speak on behalf of the entire world that’s his age and younger.
Really simple and true article. experience will tell that these simple mistakes when avoided, will make a lot of difference.
it’s like “you’ll make a good impression”.
apply it whenever you like. they’ll work. especially not interrupting the talk, and not using your mobile in the conversation.
I have a discrepancy with #6. Should you really stand up, or should they just say hello and keep it moving? Having a standing conversation in the middle of a resturaunt/ dinner feels a little wierd to me :-/… Oh & phone checking is here to stay!
Agreed… I really hate it when people INTERRUPT your dinner or other event… then stand around for 5 minutes, effectively cutting off everyone else that was with you because they seem to need 1 on 1 convo time…
I agree with all of them, but checking the phone has becoming increasingly common. Most people do it out of habit, but it comes off as extremely rude to most people who are meeting.
so…… some of these things listed are not very easy, and may be impossible for some folks to remember or to implement effectively into their lives if they have social anxiety or other social-cue issues related to Autism, Aspergers, ADHD, Depression, you name it. Or, heaven forbid, they were not taught these things by their parents. It’s just as important for the person doing the “judging” of who has “good” or “bad” etiquette to remember that their *own* etiquette and grace is also measured by how you treat people who may not be aware of these social behaviors. Scoffing at other folks’ perceived lack of etiquette seems kind of low class to me…
I’m 22 and I absolutely do care about the phone checking rule – although I do it myself occasionally, it really doesn’t show any respect. Especially at work, when a supervisor does it to you, it makes you feel really unimportant. To be fair, one of my friends got really upset with me after I did it repeatedly with him, and it kind of shocked me into realizing how much I did that –
It’s not just a generational thing.
The best way to get rid of bad behavior is to high light it in a way that it can’t be ignored.
When I am with some one and their phone rings I say, “fortunately that can’t be as important as OUR time together, your phone will capture their number so you can call them later.”
If they initiate a phone call while we are together and maybe not even talking at the moment I just get up and say goodbye and walk out of the room, house, restaurant or where ever. My 81 year old father is especially bad for outbound calls and I drive 10 miles to see him. Leaving with a very short Goodbye while he is dialing the phone made him realize how often he insulted his guests. I turn my phone on when I want to call some one. The off button works well. I run a small business and I am not important enough to accept calls while I am in the company of others MOST especially employees. I delegate my head aches to others and I don’t need the constant interuption of nusiance calls.
Is there any way to ‘like’ this post? It is soooo true.
The phone checking thing can be circumvented politely. If your phone rings, politely excuse yourself, answer the phone with “Hey, how are you, can I call you back in 10 minutes?” This gets you an easy out of the conversation if it REALLY bores you.
A simple ‘excuse me’ can avoid any social insult. I have to say that it can be hard NOT to check your phone when that message comes in.
Great list of conversation mistakes. I wonder if Chris who likes to swear and check his phone mid-conversation is employed? My only quibble is with #6. Depending on your age — and I’m giving mine away here — men were taught to stand and women were taught to remain sitting, just as men should stand whenever a woman gets up from or returns to the table. But this is *social* etiquette. In business, men and women should stand to greet each other. I agree, though, with Tiffany that a bunch of people standing in restaurants can be really annoying, especially for the wait staff.