The Making of an Anti-Consumer
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My first child has yet to be born and I’ve already broken the primal sin of motherhood: Thou shalt not raise your child differently than how your mother raised you.
It happened on the way to the library. I was talking to my Mom about her holiday shopping when she shared the latest family gossip.
“I’m so upset. Your sister is only buying one Christmas present for Sam,” she said. ”Only one?” I confirmed. She replied, ”So I bought him three. He’s a little boy, he needs presents at Christmas.”
I could have kept quiet. I could have let her chatter on about the gifts she bought for Sam and then wrapped it with a bow by praising her generosity.
Instead, I told the truth.
“We’re not planning on buying any presents for our baby,” I said. “For Christmas or her birthday.”
Silence.
“We figure she’ll get plenty of presents from friends and family. We don’t want to go overboard.”
Overboard is exactly what my mother did every Christmas, despite solemn warnings that “this year was going to be different.” No matter how cash strapped my parents were, my mother found a way to choke the living room with presents. Up to the waist. Literally. Not exactly a simple Christmas, if you ask me.
My no-present policy was a sharp rebuke to her over generosity.
“I think you’ll change your mind after she’s born,” she said.
I changed the conversation.
Chief, among all the things I don’t want my child to be, is a vapid consumer: A gal who gets high from the uniquely overpriced items in SkyMall and who opens store credit cards to save a measly 10 percent off.
Not that my mother is any of these things. In fact, I learned to be frugal from her. But my own savvy-spending sense dictates that an infant who cannot recognize its own thumb has no need for presents. Unless you count an empty box or a wooden spoon as a present.
Beyond infancy, I still don’t plan to buy my kid more than one or two presents at holidays. Instead, I’ll teach her to be a cautious consumer by shopping year round when there is a sale or we have a coupon, by bringing her along for garage sales forages, and by explaining why we wait at least 24 hours on big purchases.
Santa may not unload much of his sack at my house, but my little girl will have everything she needs, any nothing that our consumerist society says she wants.
Julia Scott writes the money-saving blog BargainBabe.com. She is due in January.
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15 Comments so far
leave a commentI always love receiving parenting advice from non-parents, especially delivered in the form of “how I’m going to raise my child.”
In this case, the author admits her mom is a frugal consumer, and that she’s a frugal consumer as a result of the upbringing her mom provided, but now rejects that upbringing as being wrong for her child because it will make the child a “vapid consumer.”
All I can say is good luck, let us know how it works for you, and you owe your mom an apology for the condescension.
Making different choices for our family doesn’t constitute a rejection of our upbringing. Parents are allowed to make the choices they feel are best for their own children. I think you’re being a tad dramatic.
It must be a generational thing. When I said I was skipping gifts on Christmas in lieu of a family cruise, my mother blanched. How would the children survive without things to open?
Apparently, dropping a few grand on a grand vacation doesn’t compare to crap from China.
For better or worse, my childhood experience of Christmas has definitely impacted my own parenting decisions. Christmases were always magical, and I want my son to experience the same. Presents were a part of that. Since I don’t spoil my son throughout the year with new things other than the necessities, Christmas and his birthday are opportunities to give him new toys. I do have a much lower budget and give fewer gifts than my parents did. We live on a modest budget, and we don’t break the bank at Christmas. I wanted him to be able to enjoy opening presents, but not build up his expectations so much that he would be disappointed if we had to cut back one year. I invest in quality toys that he (and future children) can play with for years.
I agree; why buy (and wrap) presents for an infant when they can’t even recognize it, much less unwrap it. Even worse are the people who say I should have bought a birthday card on top of it.
Christmas has always been a special time in our household, complete with plenty of gifts, an understanding of the true meaning, and plenty of love. The one thing we don’t do is charge it! Everything purchased is paid in full when bought.
My wife and I also chose not to buy our newborn (10 week) child any presents at Christmas. He has gotten so much from his extended family and little things we picked up along the way that getting him a gift on christmas seemed almost wasteful. I do plan on buying him more in the future, but not just for the sake of buying him things.
All of the toys that we have bought him thus far have been picked for their developmental value as he was born with a condition, and needs all the help he can get.
While some people feel that buying stuff is the best way to show you love someone. I think that playing with my son, hugging him, kissing him, and talking to him means far more at his age than a toy that could easily be replaced by any inanimate object.
however, i still respect all parents decisions for their children as long as the child is not harmed by said choices. To each their own.
This is great! Well-written, and right on. In my local Price Chopper there are these tiny grocery carts for kids, with signs that say “Customer In Training.” That really bums me out, because what they present as cute and charming is actually rather alarming. Food is a fine thing to spend money on, but the idea behind these little carts is strange indeed. They’re doing exactly what they claim: training children to spend money.
I would not want to be your child. On the surface you’re right, she’s a baby and buying a bunch of stuff is just buying a bunch of stuff. Taking the fun out of the holidays is also exactly what you’re setting yourself up for. Kids won’t understand Santa, Easter bunny, or most holidays until 5th grade or so, but do you really want them to not be excited except when “mommy gets a 20% coupon!” Kids love presents and some kids, cough, all kids, measure how much their relatives love them by the presents they get. An Aunt who gives great presents is their “favorite Aunt” and though Grandma may cook yummy food, if she gives crappy hand-nit sweaters or the like, little billy/betty are not going to be happy to spend Christmas with Grandma near enough as with their favorite Aunt.
Don’t kill the holidays and make your kids hate you/the holidays with you. It’s about them, not about the money.
So you’re okay with teaching kids to be shallow consumerists? Liking people based more on what they give them rather than how they’re treated?
@Rick I don’t agree that I was condescending to my own mother, but if raising my child differently than I was raised reduces her chances of becoming a vapid consumer, I’m happy to break with tradition.
@Peter You are clearly out of touch with kids, who grasp the importance of Christmas and other holidays much sooner than fifth grade. In fact, by then a lot of kids don’t believe in Santa anymore.
I’ve known many kids, and none of them judge their relatives by how much money each one spends on them. That’s absurd! Most kids don’t know how much this or that costs. It’s about the quality of the gift AND the interaction with each relative. Holidays are not about the kids or the money, it’s about showing how much you care.
I don’t typically buy my daughter gifts at Christmas either. I’m Santa all year long and the amount of gifts that she receives from the rest of the family are more than enough.
When I was young most of my relatives would buy me the usual slew of gifts, most of which I cant remember or still have. At the time, those gifts seemed important, but in retrospect those hundreds of dollars spent on me could have been put to better use. For example, the purchase of savings bonds, which is exactly what one relative did. While I received few gifts in my childhood, I have grown to appreciate their wisdom and foresight in the matter. Those savings bonds have done far more for me going into my adult life then the innumerable toys and so forth I received from other relatives.
My husband and I have been giving our friends’ children money for education savings plans for their baptisms, birthdays and Christmas. We asked our relatives in Canada and the US to give money to our less fortunate relatives in Africa rather than buy us gifts. As it turns out, all of our friends have given money for education savings plans to our children while our relatives have sometimes given gifts and sometimes sent money to Africa. We don’t feel our children will feel less cared for at Christmas by this arrangement (and we still put up the Christmas tree even if there will only be 2 or 3 gifts under it!) but, time will only tell.
Amen to the article. The holiday of Christmas or any for that reason has become intertwined w/ cosumerism. Like the person who goes to a party and doesn’t drink w/ everyoone else for the first time, suddenly it doesn’t seem like a party. We learn those things from an eary age just like we learn what foods to eat.
Our families no longer give gifts to adults and only one to children and it has been the best thing for all of us. Our holidays are about love and sharing and the kids don’t care. If parents want to give me something they donate to a charity I support. Finally becoming honest about all of this has been good for us. If a parent still wants to take us shopping we plan the time and go out and have a good afternoon but rarely buy anything….it was the time together that was wonderful.
I think all of you should give it a try for a year and see how it changes your family dynamic. How seeing your child give their things to those who have nothing or feed those who are homeless helps them as a human. Every Christmas we sorted out everything we could to donate (thanks mom). I have no regrets and still understand the magic of the holiday. These special days are for giving, not indulgence.
Read “Our Children are Not Our Own-Kahlil Gibran” we are doing children an injustice.